i registered for school today. i suppose it's for the best, but have i ever told you how much i hate mornings? tomorrow morning i have to go sign up for whatever classes i'm taking, which is only two 'cause i'm a slacker like that. :] kayla told me to try to get clay second hour so i suppose i'll do that. speaking of her, i will kill her if she didnt register today. seriously. dead. anyways i came to the conclusion that i have like zero clothes. and i know that a lot of girls say they have nothing to wear when they have tonssss of clothes. but i seriously wear the same thing all the time and often steal shirts from my brother. i should go shopping soon but i don't like shopping much unless it's thrift and the thing is that i need jeans and thrift stores suck at jeans.
i'm seriously so down lately. i don't even know why. i'm lying, i do. it's just i wish things didn't affect me and as i've said before, i don't want to feel anything for anyone at all. i was thinking of taking some stuff but i won't. i have a bottle of them in my room just as like security, in case i need them, but i havent taken any in like four days.
the number of people i care about is dwindling.
i'm glad i'm going back to school so at least i have a reason to get out of bed in the morning, even if i'm only doing it to say i did. i don't give up easily. people don't give me enough credit. every conversation i have lately seems to be the same conversation repeated over and over and reworded each time. i don't know why it's like that but it is. i can never sleep at night. my mind refuses to shut off. i hate that i care too little and too much all at once.
i dunno what else to say so i'm going to go try and call kayla and richard. i haven't talked to him since saturday night when he woke me up by banging on my window.

'people always take a step away from what is true, that's why i like you.'

Current Music: third eye blinddd

'oh no it happened again, he's cool, he's smart, he's my friend. i tried for hours, if so. you leave me no where to go. he's unstoppable, unpredictable. i'm so jaded, calculated, wrong. please take me home, too late, it's gone. i bet you're sad, this is the best time we ever had. i hope that it lasts, give in, forget the past. be strong when things fall apart, honest this breaks my heart. why do i want to date? it's too easy to complicate. be strong when things fall apart. it's so hard.'

i havent taken any morphine for like 3 or 4 days. :] too bad that's the only good stuff in my life. friday night i was the only sober person. that night sucked. it sucks to see shitty stuff happen to someone you care so much about and it sucks to see someone you care about do shitty things. friday was both rolled into one. blake asked me for advice on kayla. what the fuck do i say to that? i feel bad because i feel like he's waiting for/expecting something to happen and she keeps telling me that nothing's going to. i keep telling her that she can go for it and she just gets mad when i say it so i guess i just won't say it anymore. i really don't think that she's gonna do anything with him, which makes me sad for him. but then selfishly it's kinda completely a relief for me. i feel guilty about that but i guess it's human nature.
xoxo

Current Music: blink and tai forever

so blake went crazy on me tonight and just blamed me for everything going on and in like 5 seconds i was bawling and took some pills. then he went and talked to stephanie (of all people) about me. then it took like an hour on the phone with him to calm me down (he said that he was just mad at himself and took it out on me or whatever). fuck anyone or anything having that kind of power over me. i'm stopping the pills. i'm gonna give the bottle of them to blake or someone so that i don't take anymore. i was taking them because i don't want to feel anything for anyone. but i guess that's not the best idea. i want to feel for my friends and stuff still. i just don't want to have anything more than friendly feelings for everrr. but i can't really help that, can i?
hahahaha@colin. "yeah tayler totally liked me, she wouldn't stop throwing herself at me"
er, would you be refering to when you liked me and at that party one time you tried to kiss me and i pushed you away? cause that's what i recall happening.
stuff is kinda okay for the time being. i just want my friends forever.

oh and i've noticed as i look back over like all these entries that i wrote most of them when i was like coming down and all emotional. i promise to anyone who doesn't know me who may read these, i'm not a super douchebag like i sound in all these.

chris gutierrez's spoken word is one of the only things that makes me feel better without swallowing it. i still just want this to all go away. i just want to find one person that cares about me as much as i care about them. i hate that i know that it can't happen but i want it so badly. fuck. "the love we give unconditionally is historically unrequited" so true. now i'm talking about friends here. i'm not saying i love blake. well i do, but as a friend. but i've never been in love. i'm just saying that i can't remember the last time i liked someone as much as i like him. obviously when i find a dude i like so much, it can't work out. this is my life here. i dunno what else to say right now.
xoxo

this is like the nillionth entry for the night. i've talked to just about everyone on the planet that i love and theyre calming my nerves. the main reason that i've been taking these pills has just told me that he thinks i should stop. i dunno if i can cause if him and kayla get together i dunno what i'll do. i can't take that, that's for sure. i couldn't stop crying earlier at all. and i still feel like crying. colin sat on the phone with me while i just cried and didnt say anything for like half an hour. i owe him. kayla and i are currently making a set of rules for liking boys.
1. as soon as you like someone, tell the other so they know that the boy is now off limits.
2. even if you start liking him too, you can't do anything while the boy is off limits.
3. when you stop liking the boy, tell the other so they know that the boy isn't off limits anymore.
4. always be honest with the other.
we just want everything to go back to normal and all of us to be friends. i just wish i knew how to make myself stop liking blake. cause i still do. a lot. this sucks still. i want to rewind. selfishly id rewind to when i thought blake liked me. unselfishly i'd rewind to when we were all good friends adn that was it.
xoxo

i fucking hate this.
i'm always wrong.
i hate myself.
i just fuck shit up for everyone.
i want my friends to all be okay and i just feel like one of the people i care most about doesn't give a shit about me/hates me.
i want this all to end.
kayla wants me to stop taking the pills but i dunno if i'm gonna.
if i feel this shitty on them how much worse will it be sober?
fuck xo's. i'm only into mg's lately.

there's not a pill that could keep you from my mind. that's not to say that i'm not trying. these pills make me feel a bit better, less alive sort of. but they make me more emotional and i find myself crying over the stupidest bullshit. this shouldn't mean this much to me, but it does. i think i like you so much cause you're one of my best friends. i don't think you regard me as highly as i do you. this fucking kills. i feel like i'm keeping you from her. but she told me she doesn't want that. i told her i wouldn't hold it against her because i know how amazing you are. but she's more into other guys, i don't understand how she could be. i wish you could see me the way i see you. it's just 3432 times worse because for a while i thought you did. i know you weren't trying to lead me on. i understand that you needed me, and please know i'd still do anything to make you okay. even when it just made me more attached and hurt me that much more. i miss the butterflies i got when we were "together" or whatever you'd call it. it wasn't ever even official and it was for such a short time, and i know it's stupid to be this upset over it but i'm a girl, and a stupid one at that, and you're a boy, an amazing one, and i can't help it.
this is such a fucking lame entry but i'm done trying to save face.
xoxo

so i can't remember the last time i was sober. that's not too great. what's worse is that i can't really think of something i wouldn't do to make myself feel good right now. i got in trouble tonight. kayla and i were discussing all the shittiness that's going on right now over the phone then she convinced her mom and i convinced my grandpa to let me go over there. but i didn't have a ride. so i lied and said i did and i walked and half way there my grandpa pulls up next to me and takes me home. wtf? so i dunno if i'm in mega trouble or what. i hope not cause this is my last weekend of freedom, i'm starting sun valley this week. boys suck boys suck boys suck. blake said that it was a comfort thing for him cause his nephew just died. i get that. but it still sucks. oh and he doesn't have one of those brain things cause he didn't think i liked him anymore. hahaha. it's kinda so obvious, but this was his convo on myspace with ash.
him-who are you anyways? i remember you adding me but i havent said anything
ash-im a friend of tayler's :)
him-ah i c, im not so sure tayler likes me anymore
ash-likes you how?
like like you? or just like you as a friend?
him-she liked me but i didnt really like her back but i didnt want to hurt her feelings n shit but i told her the other day
ash-ohh..yeah she told me about that :/
luckily you didnt lead her on then, eh?
him-i suppose its complicated
ash-there can't be much complication about it.
it's either you like her or you don't, you know?
sorry i don't mean to sound rude there.
my bad.
but yeah, i guess i just wasnt informed on the story.
so it's okay if i don't understand.
him-i dono i was delaying telling her cause i knew she would get upset, and she did but then i guess shes alright with it now or w/e i dono
ash-ya i mean anyone would be upset finding out that the person they liked, doesnt like them. specially when they thought you liked them back.
him-she kinda told paul she didnt think that i liked her so im not entirely sure what shes feeling or w/e but the day it happened she kept saying "Its important, that you dont get in trouble" over and over again for hours to everyone. we didnt know what the hell was goin on

yeah it's kinda completely obvious that i like him still and like everyone has talked to him about it some im sure he knows that i do now. and now he likes kayla. and kayla used to like him and now shes likes him a tiny bit still, but i talked to her before i ever did anything about me liking him. cause she likes colin and justin a lot more. and colin likes her but hes got a gf. and all stupid drama like that. haha the other night blake and colin were over and colin left at like midnight, but blake was gonna stay and hide in my closet (cause its rather large) so me, blake and kayla squish into my twin bed to watch a movie and kayla gets up to check her myspace and right then my grandpa walks in and sees me and blake all close in bed. lololol but i dint get in trouble so everything is good. but anyways life is frustrating as fuck lately and i'm fucked up and i'm the biggest fuck up and i dunno what i should do anymore. so i'm just done with this entry.
xxoo

Current Music: the vandals make everything better.

so i've hung out with blake a few times since the ordeal and it seems to be fine. a little birdie told me that he was feeling bad about it and i felt bad about him feeling bad so we talked and hopefully things are good now. i just want to stop liking him since it's kinda completely useless. but hey, he can't like me and i can't not like him right now.:/

i've come to the conclusion that any morals, standards, and vows to myself that i had have gone out the window. i've been making choices and thinking about stuff lately that is what i wouldn't ever do, now i am. change is good though right? i was so numb this morning, i don't know why. i hit my elbow on a dresser and ten minutes later i realized that i was bleeding everywhere. it half scares me but i half wish that it was always like that. i really don't care much about things anymore. it's kinda sweet. i just want life to be fun. i don't want to think about the future. i wish that i was stupid. honestly, ignorance is bliss right? i get the feeling that people think less of me than i do of them and that people don't give me enough credit. dudes, you're not pulling anything over on me. i know your plans before you follow through with them.
i haven't been sober one night since thanksgiving. tonight i will be. tonight i will get some sleep. weekends make me sleepy but they rule so much. it kinda sucks that i started hanging out with blake and colin more since they aren't in school and now all this weirdness happened. oh well, i hope that it'll be cool. i kinda (selfishly) want colin to get back into mesa so that i can hang with blake like just us just so that we can just get to be friends because anything about me liking him aside, he's a cool kid and i don't want stuff to be weird between us. people (myself included) make things out to be much bigger than they are.
how am i half asleep at 8 pm?
tool rules me lately.
xoxo

Current Music: tool-schism

so lj, it's been a while since my email/myspace was hacked, i deleted my old journal. but it seems to me that it's time that i get a new one so i have something to vent on.
life lately was going really good. let's recap.
last week blake and i are laying in paul's bed and i reach over and grab his hand and he doesnt pull away. :]he puts his arms around be and pulls me closer and is like tickling me with his eyelashes. it was super cute. :] crap like that goes on for a week, just a lot of hand holding and cuddling. but he hasn't kissed me. this is when im like "maybe he doesnt like me." but then i (and everyone i discussed it with) thinks "well then why would he be doing this?" and paul was going on about how blake was nervous about kissing me cause we both have braces and whatever. i was thinking he might have just not wanted to hurt me when i grabbed his hand the first time. i mean it'd be shitty if he was like "ew get off me" haha but then HE put his arms around ME. so later that same day richard talks to him about me and blake says that he's not sure about it cause he's 18 and blah blah(fyi, that isn't even illegal in arizona)but isnt like "hey, i don't like her" and at a later date colin starts harrassing me about when i get my braces off.
him-when do you get your braces off?
me-why?
him-i need to know
me-i dunno, why?
him-so you don't get stuck to blake!
hahaha
so anyways last night everything is going as usual and then blake tells hayden to go away and says he has something to say to me. this is when he says that he doesn't like me, he just didnt want to hurt my feelings. okay then wtf at you acting like you did? not even just like going along with me, but cuddling with me and inviting me up on to the couch with you and shit. haha i don't get people. oh and my favorite part is when he tells me that he's discussed it with many people and came to this conclusion. wtf? you need other people to help you decide who you like? like did you like me to begin with and then your advisors told you not to? haha i dunno i mean obviously it's a bumout when someone you like doesn't like you back. but seriously, why act like it? they're gonna end up getting hurt anyways. i mean pretending you did for a week didn't make things any better did it?
anyways i told him that i want to be friends with him still and all cause he's a cool kid. but i'm still wondering what happened between him being the one to put his arms around me and him not liking me. like i understand that you can't control who you like, but if it's just him not wanting to be with me for other reasons then he should respect me enough to tell me that. but you know, if he said, "hey i like you, but this this and this is why i don't wanna be with you" that would make him look like an ass but it would've hurt me a lot less. now i'm not getting all crazy like "omgomg no one can not like me, what's his problem!?!" cause that's not me at all. i just feel weird about this, like there's something more to it. and i wish i could just stop liking him. life's a bitch. then after he tells me, he feeds me alcohol and i get drunk as fuck and get really emotional and gay. and i tried to like walk over to the park, or outside or something so i could go cry like a douchebag by myself, but no one was too into that idea so they just kept bringing me back and everyone saw me make an ass out of myself. bitchin! on top of that, i kept babbling about who knows what and no one (not even me) knew what the point to what i was saying was. oh and i fell and ripped my favorite jeans and hurt my knee. so in conclusion, last night sucked.
xoxo

p.s. i have read this over and i sound like a douchebag in the whole thing.